


Knights Of The Situation Room

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Other Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-25
Updated: 2006-02-25
Packaged: 2018-08-15 17:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8065180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: The boys go on a quest, Monty Python-style. (09/19/2002)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Ambiguous pairing.   


* * *

Scene 1

[Jonathan Archer, incipient captain of USS Enterprise, has decided he must have only the best officers at his side for his mission. To that end, he's gone hunting for good, strong men (and women).]

[He's been on the road for some time when he pulls up to the gates of a large mansion.]

ARCHER: Whoa there!

[Oh, and there are some odd sounds in the background. Sort of a shuffling noise, really.]

GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARCHER: It is I, Jon Archer, captain of the Enterprise, son of the great Henry Archer, who helped design my great ship.

GUARD #1: Pull the other one!

ARCHER: I am. And this my trusty commander/chief engineer, Trip. We're traveling the globe in search of officers for our ship.

GUARD #1: [eyeing their mode of transportation rather skeptically] What, by automobile?

ARCHER: Yes!

GUARD #1: You're using a cardboard box!

ARCHER: What?

GUARD #1: You're walking around with cardboard boxes around your waists.

ARCHER: So? We have driven since the Halloween decorations appeared in stores,* leaving no stone unturned in the name of our quest for space exploration.

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the box?

ARCHER: We bought it.

GUARD #1: Bought it? In 2151? That's impossible.

ARCHER: What do you mean?

GUARD #1: Well, they stopped making those boxes about a century ago, and they aren't the most durable things in the world.

ARCHER: Children still learn on Apple IIs in school, and baseball players' bodies are put into cryostorage on a regular basis. These things are not considered unusual.

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting that box was put into cryostorage?

ARCHER: Not at all, it could have been shrink-wrapped all these years.

GUARD #1: What — shrink-wrapping a useless cardboard box? You're out of your gourd.

ARCHER: The former owners could have stored it in a cool, dry place.

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where they stored it! It's a simple question of the durability of materials. A cardboard box cannot last for more than 100 years. It would have broken down into bits and pieces by the time 25 years had passed.

ARCHER: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your employer that Captain Archer of USS Enterprise is here?

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to be that well-preserved, the thing would have needed some very tight shrink-wrapping, right?

ARCHER: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARCHER: What difference does it make?

GUARD #2: It could've been kept in space all these years.

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, a cardboard box on a spaceship, where time doesn't go quite as quickly, that'd survive easily, but that's not my point. We didn't have that technology back when the box would have needed preserving.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

ARCHER: Would you just ask the owner if he'll come on a five-year mission with me?

GUARD #1: And then of course there's the expense to consider.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...

GUARD #1: So it'd be pretty much pointless to store one cardboard box; eventually, you'd be paying more than the thing's worth just to keep it whole.

[Archer begins shuffling past the mansion, Trip and the entourage close at his heels.]

GUARD #2: Wait a minute — what if Bill Gates wanted the box?

GUARD #1: That's illogical, unless it was a Microsoft box, and there's no Microsoft logo on there.

GUARD #2: It could have been on the bottom of the box!

GUARD #1: What, where those leg holes have been cut?

GUARD #2: Well, why not?

*Since Early September, in other words.

**PART 2**

Scene 2

[New York City, still as much of a mix of races as ever, except now we've got aliens thrown into the mix. A coroner drives through a nasty neighborhood in his armored truck.]

CORONER: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [siren blast] Bring out your dead! [blast] Bring out your dead! [blast] Bring out your dead! [blast] Bring out your dead!

SILIK: Here's one — $20.

DANIELS: I'm not dead!

CORONER: Huh? Yo, what?

SILIK: Nothing — here's your $20.

DANIELS: I'm not dead!

CORONER: [shrugging] He says he's not dead.

SILIK: Yes, he is.

DANIELS: I'm not!

CORONER: [poking Daniels] He isn't.

SILIK: Well, he will be soon; he caught something nasty when he went with us on our last mission. Poor man.

DANIELS: I'm getting better!

SILIK: No, you're not — you'll be dead in a minute or two.

CORONER: Oh, I can't take him like that — it's against regulations.

DANIELS: I don't want to go in the truck!

SILIK: Oh, don't be such a human.

CORONER: I can't take him.

DANIELS: I feel fine!

SILIK: Can't you do anything?

CORONER: Nada.

SILIK: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

CORONER: Nope, have to move on. Matter transporter accident just down the street; it's pretty gruesome, you know.

SILIK: Well, when are you going to be back?

CORONER: That depends on how much you're willing to bribe me.

DANIELS: I think I'll go for a nice walk—say, back into my own century?

SILIK: You're not fooling anyone, you. [to the coroner] How's this look? [shows him a wallet full of $100 bills]

DANIELS: I feel happy...I'm going home...[is about to be transported away when a phase pistol catches him square in the chest]

SILIK: Thank you.

CORONER: No problemo, man. Smell ya later.

SILIK: Right.

[Archer shuffles through town with his entourage.]

CORONER: What kind of a nutjob was that?

SILIK: I don't know.

CORONER: Must be hot stuff.

SILIK: Why?

CORONER: Ain't got crap on him. [flicks something smelly off Silik's shoulder]

* * *

Scene 3

::denotes Klingon::

[shuffle shuffle]

[The entourage has just arrived in Broken Bow.]

ARCHER: Excuse me, old woman!

KLAANG: [snarling]

HOSHI: Man, sir.

ARCHER: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

KLAANG: [more snarling with some guttural growls]

ARCHER: What?

HOSHI: Uh...something seven...I can't quite make it out.

KLAANG: [Same sequence of growls, with something else tacked onto the end.]

HOSHI: He says he's not old, sir.

ARCHER: Well, we can't just call him "man." He isn't one, really. He's a Klingon.

HOSHI: Hold on...[translates that as well as she can] You could call him Klaang.

ARCHER: Well, I didn't know he was called Klaang.

KLAANG: [something extraordinarily rude in Klingon]

HOSHI: Ummm...you didn't try to find that out, sir.

ARCHER: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from this angle he looked-

HOSHI: [interrupting] He doesn't like the implication that he's inferior. Sir.

[Klaang nods.]

ARCHER: Well, I -am- the captain.

KLAANG: ::Oh captain, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the crew — by 'angin' on to outdated military practice which perpetuates the rank an' skill differences in your weak human society?! ....If there's ever going to be any progress—::

TABLOID REPORTER: Hey, a Klingon! [starts snapping pictures]

ARCHER: Hello, ma'am. My name is Jon Archer, and I'm the captain of USS Enterprise.

T.R.: Captain of what?

ARCHER: USS Enterprise.

T.R.: What's that, some kind of spaceship?

ARCHER: Well, yes. We're the latest, greatest thing in technology, and that means the media's supposed to support us.

T.R.: I didn't know we even had such advanced space travel. I thought Earth just got a lot of visitors.

KLAANG: ::You're fooling yourself. We're living in an imperialistic void.....a self-perpetuating cycle in which the countries with the best ships- ::

HOSHI: You want to rephrase that? He's off on some tangent again.

KLAANG: ::-That's what it's all about! If only people would—::

ARCHER: Please, please, everyone. I'm kind of in a hurry. Who's the mayor of this town?

T.R.: Oh, you know, that changes from time to time.

ARCHER: But the mayor makes the decisions, right?

T.R.: We've gotten along fine doing that ourselves.

ARCHER: What?

T.R.: Oh, sometimes we have to decide on something really big. We let the mayor take care of -that.-

ARCHER: Okay.

T.R.: But the mayor has to run everything by the rest of us first.

ARCHER: Yes, I see.

T.R.: All it takes is a majority if it's something small, like zoning laws, but—

ARCHER: Be quiet!

T.R.: —but for bigger things like, erm, changing mayors, we require two-thirds of voters to approve.—

ARCHER: Quiet! That's an order!

T.R.: Order, eh — who does he think he is?

ARCHER: I'm a starship captain!

T.R.: Well, this isn't a starship.

ARCHER: Never mind that. My authority extends beyond Enterprise.

T.R.: But I'm not in Starfleet! Who died and made you boss, anyway?

ARCHER: Admiral Forrest, [Trip and Hoshi sing] his jumpsuit laden with little shiny stars, gave me the keys and told me to knock myself out, and while I'm at it, gather a crew. [singing stops] That's why my authority works here—and by the way, that's also my reason for being here in the first place. I need a crew.

T.R.: Listen — strange men wearing suits that are way too tight on them is no basis for a military.

ARCHER: Be quiet!

T.R.: You can't expect to suddenly be respected as the police force of the galaxy when you're hopping around in cardboard boxes.

ARCHER: Shut up!

T.R.: I mean, if I went around saying I was a captain just because I had a huge spaceship at my beck and call, they'd send me to the Funny Farm!

ARCHER: Shut up! Will you shut up!

T.R.: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

HOSHI: Oh, he doesn't mean you. [points to Klaang] He's been saying very rude things for the last half-hour.

ARCHER: Shut up! Do I have to get out the gag?

TRIP: I think I've got it in my trunk. Let me check. [rummages around in his belongings] Hm. It was just there yesterday.

KLAANG: ::HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!:: ARCHER: Damn Klingon!

T.R.: For a starship captain, you're awfully racist. What'd this Klingon ever do to you?

ARCHER: [sighing] Hoshi! Trip! Let's go.

[The procession shuffles away from the insane reporter and the Klingon.]

**PART 3**

[battle sounds] [Silik defeats another hapless victim. Sigh.]

ARCHER: You fight with the strength of many men, Suliban. [pause] I am Jon Archer, captain of Enterprise. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest officers in the galaxy to join me on my starship. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Trip.

SILIK: None shall pass.

ARCHER: What?

SILIK: None shall pass.

ARCHER: I'm not angry at you, really. I, um, just need to get across that bridge behind you. [points at the rickety wooden bridge]

SILIK: Then you shall die.

ARCHER: I command you as captain of Enterprise to step aside!

SILIK: I move for no being.

ARCHER: So be it! [draws his pistol]

[A duel ensues. Archer shoots Silik's left arm off after a few minutes.]

ARCHER: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

SILIK: 'Tis but a scratch.

ARCHER: A scratch? Your arm's gone!

SILIK: No, it isn't.

ARCHER: Well, what's that then?

SILIK: [glances down] I've had worse.

ARCHER: You liar!

SILIK: Come on, you human!

[More battle stuff. Archer shoots Silik's right arm off.]

ARCHER: You're done! [assuming a fatherly pose, kneeling before Silik] Now, there comes a time in every being's life, when, like the gazelle—hey!

[Silik kicks Archer in the head while he's giving his pep talk.]

SILIK: Come on then.

ARCHER: What?

SILIK: Have at you!

ARCHER: [coughs lightly] You are indeed brave, Suliban, but it's over. I win.

SILIK: Oh, had enough, eh?

ARCHER: Look, you son of a bitch, you've got no arms left.

SILIK: Yes I have.

ARCHER: Look!

SILIK: Just a flesh wound. [headbutts Archer in the chest]

ARTHUR: Look, stop that. How d'you expect to shoot at me if you haven't got any arms?

SILIK: Human! Human!

ARCHER: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [bzzz]

SILIK: Right, now it's personal. Your ass is mine.

ARCHER: Say what?

SILIK: Come 'ere!

ARCHER: What are you going to do, bleed on me? (Although all things considered, maybe that would actually work.)

SILIK: I'm invincible!

ARCHER: You're insane.

SILIK: The Suliban always triumph! Have at you! Come on then.

[Archer shoots Silik's other leg off.]

SILIK: All right; we'll call it a draw.

ARCHER: Come, Trip.

[The procession heads over the bridge.]

SILIK: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ...You cowardly bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you....I'll bite your legs off!

* * *

Scene 5

[Vulcans, seeking kolinahr, chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to...]

CROWD: Suliban! Suliban! We've found a Suliban!

[The crowd drags forth Sarin, looking remarkably human except for one pebbled hand and a conspicuous lack of hair.]

VILLAGER #1: We have found a Suliban, might we phase her?

CROWD: Phase her! Phase!

PHLOX: How do you know she is a Suliban?

VILLAGER #2: She looks like it.

PHLOX: Bring her forward.

SARIN: I'm not a Suliban...I'm not a Suliban...

PHLOX: But you are dressed for the role.

SARIN: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: No, we didn't — no.

SARIN: And this isn't my skin. [holds up hand]

PHLOX: Well?

VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the hand.

PHLOX: The hand?

VILLAGER #1: And the hair—but she is a Suliban!

CROWD: Phase her! Suliban! Suliban! Phase her!

PHLOX: Did you dress her up like this?

CROWD: No, no...no ...yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

VILLAGER #1: She has got a pebbled spot, you know, right on her—oof!

[Villager #2 cuffs Villager #1, who is happily _cough_ married, over the head.]

PHLOX: What makes you think she is a Suliban?

VILLAGER #3: Well, she sent me back in time.

PHLOX: Back in time?

VILLAGER #3: She brought me back.

VILLAGER #2: Phase her anyway!

CROWD: Phase! Phase her!

PHLOX: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Suliban.

CROWD: Are there? What are they?

VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt?

PHLOX: Tell me, what do you do with Suliban?

VILLAGER #2: Phase!

CROWD: Phase into nothing!

PHLOX: And what do you phase apart from Suliban?

VILLAGER #1: More Suliban!

VILLAGER #2: Coconuts!

PHLOX: So, why can we phase Suliban?

[pause]

VILLAGER #3: B—...'cause they're made of coconuts...?

PHLOX: Good!

CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...

PHLOX: So, how do we tell whether she is made of coconuts?

VILLAGER #1: Make a pie out of her.

PHLOX: Aah, but can you not also make pies out of cherry?

VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.

PHLOX: Can coconuts be carried by swallows?

VILLAGER #1: Yes, yes.

VILLAGER #2: Unladen ones, at any rate.

VILLAGER #3: On a line slung between them...?

VILLAGER #1: Let's get some swallows and find out!

CROWD: The zoo! The zoo!

BEDEVERE: What can also be carried by unladen swallows?

VILLAGER #1: Mail!

VILLAGER #2: Nuts!

VILLAGER #3: Very small spaceships!

VILLAGER #1: Earthworms!

VILLAGER #2: Leaves!

VILLAGER #1: Cherries!

VILLAGER #2: Mud!

VILLAGER #3: Churches — churches!

VILLAGER #2: Fruitcake, fruitcake!

ARCHER: A phase pistol.

CROWD: Oooh.

PHLOX: Exactly! So, logically...,

VILLAGER #1: If...she.. weighs the same as a phase pistol, she's made of coconuts.

PHLOX: And therefore—?

VILLAGER #1: A Suliban!

CROWD: A Suliban! A Suliban! A Suliban!

PHLOX: We shall use my largest scales!

ARCHER: Here, use my pistol.

[yelling]

PHLOX: Right, plug them in!

[bzzz]

[blip-blip-blip]

CROWD: A Suliban

SARIN: It's a fair cop. [shapeshifts back to normal]

CROWD: Phase her! Phase her!

[yelling]

PHLOX: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARCHER: I am Jon Archer, captain of Enterprise.

PHLOX: Sir!

ARCHER: Good sir, will you come to Enterprise with me, and join us in the situation room?

PHLOX: My captain! I would be honored.

ARCHER: What is your name?

PHLOX: Dr. Phlox the Denobulan, sir.

ARTHUR: Then I dub you Chief Medical Officer Phlox of USS Enterprise.

[The narrator, a short woman with frizzy brown hair, cuts in.]

NARRATOR: The wise Dr. Phlox was the first to join Captain Archer's ship, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Lt. Malcolm Reed the Trigger-Happy; Sub-commander T'Pol the Emotionless; Crewman Cutler the not-quite-so-emotionless-as-T'Pol, who had nearly kept from bitching out Klaang of Klingon, who had nearly contained her joy at meeting the famous Dr. Phlox, and who had personally gone weak in the knees upon spotting Trip Tucker for the first time, not that anyone can blame her; and the aptly named Ensign Not-appearing-in-this-series. Together they formed a crew whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Situation Room.


End file.
